I saw 'X-Men Origins - Wolverine' over the weekend . It was a good movie. Watching 'Wolverine' was like watching 'Edward Scissorhands on Red Bull' . In fact I heard that when the role of Wolverine was pitched to Hugh Jackman, they explained ,----

" Imagine having the scissors of Johnny Depp dipped into adamantium alloy and then attached to a very angry man who heals well and has an affinity for muscle t-shirts and motorcyles."

Superhero movies are great yet very predictable and because of that, there are some valuable lessons that I have learned when it comes to dealings with my fellow humans. For example, let's consider brilliant scientists for a moment.

Every superhero movie has that one scene where the 'brilliant scientist' is confronted by the Military General who is somewhat dissapointed in the results of the scientists' experiments. The General who, alone in the lab with the scientist(bad move), inevitably has the following conversation ----

Military General--" That's enough !! We've given you ample time to perfect the super soldier elixer...and look what happens.....DISASTER !!! ...... You're finished[ insert name] ! ...I'm cutting off all funding for this program.

Scientist --" No please [ insert name] !! I need more time !!...... I just need the final catalyst and the serum will be complete !!....... C'mon [insert name]....we made a deal !"

Military General-- "No !!!!---- I'M SHUTTING YOU DOWN !!!"

We all know what usually happens after that. ...That's correct, the scientists pushes the General into a vat of boiling acid that happens to be there for such occassions. He then injects the 'yet unfinished serum that's not quite done ' into himself..... and turns into a mad scientist with super strength etc..etc...

Lesson learned ---- Never announce that you're pulling the plug on scientific research IN FRONT OF THE BRILLIANT SCIENTIST ! ...... Simply cancel the direct deposit at a safe distance.

With the economy tanking the way it is, it was refreshing to hear an inspirational story of courage and calm amidst extraordinary circumstances.

I'm referring to the miracle landing of US Airway 1549 on the Hudson river. Captain 'Sully' in heroic fashion saved all 155 members aboard the ill fated flight.

Much has been written about how this former fighter pilot displayed iron will along with ice cool while undertaking the incredible task of setting down tons of hardware and valuable lives precariously in the Hudson River.

While I'd love nothing more than to see heroes remain heroes, and while I'm more than willing to see Captain 'Sully's' story grow into a legend for the ages, I was able to obtain a rare photo of Mr. Sully moments after realizing that he was piloting a dead stick. What I'm about to show you took place in between the time he realized the problem and executed the solution. There was a 2 minute section of the flight recorder that was unaccounted for, a period of time that tertiary reports suggest he went to the rest room.

Here's the photo........ you make your own conclusions :
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http://www.gostandup.com

This is a brief observation.

Tuesday night was a historic night not because it showcased the first African-American to be elected as President, but because of the ridiculous behavior of Oprah Winfrey. She was leaning on some guy while Stedman,her loyal boyfriend, stood only inches a way.

That raised a few questions, but the burning question on my mind was : How did this unknown man develop such powerful shoulders ? With an Oprah on one's shoulder.....one can ONLY lean left !!!

What about Stedman ? ..... How do you think he felt about this betrayal ? The video footage was quite interesting. Behold :

The camera doesn't reveal everything. I was able to obtain a photo of the very same scene, this time just a mere 8 inches higher. Behold :

The thought bubble and comment were added by Jessie Jackson.

http://www.gostandup.com

I hate to do this but I feel compelled to make some observations on this crazy presidential race.

(THE UNCANNY COMIC IS NEUTRAL TO ANY AND ALL POLITICAL MATTERS AND SO IS ABLE TO STAND OUTSIDE THE REALM OF THE POLITICAL ARENA, AND WITH HIS UNCANNY COMEDIC VISION, ........ uh....poke fun.)

Last week was the Democratic National Convention, an event that had less total brain activity than 'Night of the Living Dead'.

We saw Ded...(err)... Ted Kennedy give a speech, Hillary pontificate, Al Gore exhale greenhouse gases and Bill Clinton hand the baton off to Obama........ one former black president to another potential black president.

Hillary was amazing... considering she had the weight of 18 million women on her mind.

Bill had 18 million women on his mind also. .....Unfortunately, they were a completely different looking 18 million women.

The entire event, which was a smashing success, was finally capped off with a moving speech by Obama. Over 30 million viewers tuned in to the spectacle. The momentum shift of positive public opinion was clearly heading towards Obama.........until

in a brilliant stroke of genius ,McCain punctures the air out of the whole Obama Hindenburg and announces the very next day that he has chosen a female V.P. ........ Sarah Palin.

According to sources deep inside the McCain camp, the decision to select her was an intense and agonizing decision. ...... McCain said something like this,

" Quick , we need a black person on this ticket !!!! ....... No, no... that'll look too obvious !! .... Hey staff , get out your U.M.B's ( Undervalued Minority Brochures), find me an equivalent under- appreciated minority that'll offset the impact of a tall skinny good looking African American !! ....... What ?!! .. you found a tribe of freckled Navajo indians ?!

"...... NO..that's just ridiculous !!.... What else ?!.... A 600 pound anorexic ?! ..... "

"NO....too specific !! ....... "

"Excellent ... a woman !! ....... Someone fetch me a detailed report of all the qualified republican woman who can fill the position of the 2nd highest office in the free world !! .... Wow Dick Morris, that was fast ! .... Let me see the document !!"

"This is more than ever asked.. THANKS !!!"

"I'll take 2nd row, 3rd from the left."

Obama now sensing that this recent maneuver by McCain will turn the tides of public opinion, does what only he can. .... He summons the natural forces of the planet, and with his hand outstretched.......

gathers the winds from the 4 corners of the earth into .....HURRICANE GUSTOV!!!..... timing it perfectly to land at the exact location where the Bush administration dropped the ball ... New Orleans, AND at the beginning of the RNC .... ........ In one fell swoop reminding the nation of Bush's gross failure while taking the national spotlight away from the RNC festivities !

But wait !! ...This is not over !! McCain is ticked!!

McCain in a risky maneuver plans to give his acceptance at New Orleans, and has built a specially designed floating stage to do so. .... He said ," I will follow this hurricane to the gates of hell if necessary !!"

http://www.gostandup.com

The Nathan's Hot dog Eating Competition was one thing. The 2008 Beijing Olympics was quite another.

I was impressed by the opening ceremonies. The precision, the unity,the synchronization........ It was the most horrific thing I ever saw. The combination of spectacular beauty and military style discipline was a little disturbing. It was like looking at a parade of gay perfectionists.......whatever that means.

Like many things in life, things aren't what they appear to be. ..Much to my chagrin, it was brought to my attention that the whole event was enhanced and manipulated digitally.

In other words ...this

was really ...this:

My uneasy feeling that any participant in the choreographed affair who made the slightest error was punished with the greatest severity, was confirmed when I learned that this sweet little girl :

who stepped 3 and a half inches out of line, was later seen here :

....doing hard time.

This however is not the real reason why I'm blogging today. I have thoughts on Michael Phelps.

His performance during the swimming events was quite amazing! I've never seen a swimming machine quite like that before........... that is until .....................

until I heard about his unusual physique. I heard that his 6' 7" wingspan is longer than his 6'4" height. He has disproportionately short legs, size 14 feet and double-jointed ankles...... basically a stingray with huge ears. ......

I'm not AS impressed now! I don't think anyone would have a chance racing against someone that looks like this :

Today I took a break from the 'physical fitness' pursuit. ..... I decided that I needed to view people who lived on the other end of a healthy lifestyle.......... I watched live footage of the 2008 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition.

These are a bunch of folks who decided that not only are they going embrace a diet rich in carbs and saturated fats, ........ but will in fact make a sport out of it. After all, why be a healthy nobody when you can be a famous food eating fiend, a pie eating professor, a dog eating 'Don', a gastrointestinal genius?!

That being said, this year's competition had all the drama and intrigue of any great sporting event ! ...The defending champion Joey Chestnut versus Takeru Kobayashi.

For nearly 6 years the mere 110lb. Kobayashi absolutely owned the event , eating 50 to 60 hot dogs in 12 minutes... an accomplishment that Oprah has called ....... "just an ordinary brunch for me!" ..... Although when Oprah does it, her buns are 3 times the size. ........ You can interpret that ANY way you want.

The event lived up to all the the hype. .... It was virtually neck and neck all the way to the end, even going in to overtime. ......

Joey Chestnut prevailed---- 59 hot dogs in regulation and 5 dogs in OT.
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( It's strange how they call the initial 10 minute period ...'REGULATION'...... Why one would call 10 minutes of wanton , meat squirting, bread and saliva oozing, flotsam and jetsam squirting, gluttony, 'REGULATION' is beyond me.)

The post game interviews were quite interesting. It went something like this :

Reporter : So Kobayashi, what went wrong ?

Kobayashi :

Reporter : Joey, Take us moment by moment, second by second through your incredible performance.

Joey :



I think next year I will enter the 2009 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Competition. Let me go practice:

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Since the whole ' I'll work out at the gym ' idea didn't work, I decided to get a home gym.

I bought as my first item ..'The Gazelle'... from some guy named Tony Little.

That was a huge mistake ! ........ This was not the calorie burning machine that I expected. It was more like a leg swing,...... a thigh hammock, .... a 'restless leg syndrome' come to life.

Winking burned more calories that this piece of junk ! ..... I tried to figure out what this machine prepared me for in a real life situation. .. For example the 'heavy bag' trains one to defend oneself. ... The ' row machine ' trains one to escape an assailant much more quickly in a row boat. .... The 'bench press' prepares one to lift a Geo Metro and change the tire.

.. All those are no brainers !! ..........What does 'The Gazelle' train one for ???

That's it !!...... Fleeing from Stephen Hawking in zero gravity!!!

Needless to say I returned 'The Gazelle'.

On my way home, I dangled my arms out of my car window while going 60...

After all, who needs 'The Gazelle' when you can get the same workout.